What to say or what not to say? That is the question!
- Alleah Poulson Gogley
- Jul 2, 2021
- 5 min read
When I would come up to bat playing softball, my mom used to tell me, “lay off the rise!” She would yell it from the stands starting in 14u and all the way up through college, and due to some assumed biological survival mechanism, I could pinpoint her voice out of every other one in the crowd. As an athlete it drove me crazy to hear her crowd instructions. It was seriously only after a lot of mental work on my part that I was able to have an at bat with her voice in my ear and not have it make me rage-y inside.
And guess what? Now as a parent, even remembering how mad I would get hearing my mom, I have the urge to yell out almost the same thing to my son while he’s playing baseball! It is seriously so hard to keep my mouth shut. But parents, during the game is not the time to coach from the sidelines. It’s not going to help anything. Just DON’T do it.
If you’ve noticed, even the actual coaches on the field are not giving specific technical instructions during game at bats. I’m talking about things like “don’t cast your hands” or “start your load sooner” that I hear parents yell from the sidelines all the time. I swear I have even heard the old, “keep your elbow up!” Good coaches know and research has shown that this type of talk is not helpful in that moment. One particular study’s results suggest that “parental instruction provided to directly command action may undermine athletes’ sport experience.” (Holt, et al. 2008) So shouting to your kid to “do this” or “don’t do that” will not increase the chances that they will get that hit and in fact it can actually hurt their performance. And even if you are 100% correct that your kid should probably be starting their load sooner (I get it- sometimes we just need that validation that we are right!), it doesn’t matter right then. And by yelling it out, it may actually be having the exact opposite effect you are hoping for.
AFTER THE GAME
Hopefully we have all heard or read about what to say and what not to say on the car ride home after the game. We are supposed to keep it positive, right?
But if you are like many parents, you start to justify to yourself that you have shelled out time and money to watch and support your kid, and you think you know what you are talking about, and you then just can’t help but say, “you should have stayed down on that ball” or “you shouldn’t have swung at that pitch” or “you should stand closer to the plate.”
I must admit that I have said all of these specific things to my son in the car on the way home. And I’m guessing that many other well-intentioned parents have too. We have to give ourselves a break on those comments we’ve made and try to do better next time. (Like I tell my mental training students, “Just flush it!”) And at the same time we have to give our kids a break too. They are not going to get a hit every time and they are going to make mistakes. The comment in the car after the game is not going to fix whatever you felt went wrong. So what are we supposed to say then? First ask yourself what your end goal really is. The weird thing is whether your end goal is for them to become a great athlete or if it’s just for them to have fun playing a sport, the comments that help support these are pretty similar(!) By nurturing their joy of playing in that post-game moment, they are going to want to keep chasing that feeling. They are more likely to put the work in themselves. Without you pushing. The one thing I always try to convey in those car rides home, in one way or another, is “I loved watching you play.” I also like to praise effort over outcome whenever I get the chance. So something like, “that was such a great dive!” regardless of whether or not the ball was actually caught. And I completely realize you yourself as the parent might feel disappointed or frustrated by some specific error or loss. I get it! And as I mentioned, in the past I have not been able to help myself from asking about certain plays. :/ But afterwards I realize that asking, and hoping for an answer was about ME, and what I felt I needed to understand, and not about actually helping my son. So ask yourself if your comment/question is being helpful to your athlete or just helpful to you before you open your mouth.
Because it’s not about you. So feel your feelings. But also remember this if you want to help your kids find happiness AND success:
High levels of parental praise and understanding have also been associated with successful career development among elite young athletes (Wuerth, Lee, & Alferman, 2004). On the other hand, children's perceptions of parental over-involvement have been related to heightened anxiety and burnout (Gould, Tuffey, Udry, & Loehr, 1996; Leff & Hoyle, 1995).
And why is the praise and understanding so important? It’s because encouragement and reinforcement lead to self-efficacy, self-regulation, and intrinsic motivation. And what do those lead to? Success on the field.
MOVING FORWARD
So again, if you are one of the ones thinking, “well yes I DO want my kid to be well rounded, happy, healthy. But…. I have to admit that I want them to succeed at their sport and become a great athlete!” Guess what? These things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, with you as the parent being the nurturer and encourager, your kids are more likely develop the confidence and intrinsic motivation and stick-to-itiveness that will help them succeed. It’s not the commands you are yelling from the stands that’s going to do it. The study quoted above used PERFORMANCE as the evaluation metric. Not happiness or mental wellbeing. Those were likely positively influenced too. But it wasn’t what was measured.
I know it may seem counterintuitive that holding your tongue on the technical coaching and instead just telling your kid you loved watching them play will lead them to more sports success. It’s going to be difficult to stay the course on this. I know I personally find it challenging, even though I know better. So I choose to give myself a break and do better the next play or game or day. Just like I’m giving my kid a break if they do something on the field that I don't like. Keep your eyes on the prize, parents!
You can also download these guides that gives specifics on how to approach games, practices, the parent/coach fine line and more…
Teques P, Calmeiro L, Rosado A, Silva C and Serpa S (2019) Perceptions of Parenting Practices and Psychological Variables of Elite and Sub-Elite Youth Athletes. Front. Psychol. 10:1495. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01495
Holt, N. L., Tamminen, K. A., Black, D. E., Sehn, Z. L., and Wall, M. P. (2008). Parental involvement in competitive youth sport settings. Psychol. Sport Exerc. 9, 663–685. doi: 10.1016/j.psychsport.2007.08.001
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